Why do Relationships lose their magic?

In my experience, there are three common sets of reasons why relationships lose their “magic”:

1. Poor Communication Skills
2. Poor Conflict Resolution Skills
3. Not making the Relationship a Priority.

What are Communication Skills?

Many people are good at talking but not listening.  When their partner does not feel heard in a discussion, the partner can respond with hurt, anger or withdraw.  Often when people don’t feel heard they escalate the discussion which can lead to an argument.  Or the person who is listening may misinterpret what was said and also respond by feeling hurt or angry.  People often use blaming statements in a discussion which can cause an angry or hurt reaction from their partner.

I teach people how to listen to what their partner is saying and how to say what they need to say in a non-blaming way that their partner can hear.  This is half the battle in being able to communicate with each other.

What are Conflict Resolution Skills?

Part of resolving conflict is using communication skills to understand where you agree, where you disagree and where there is room for compromise.  Other tools for conflict resolution include:

• Timeouts – When someone gets over a 4 on a 1-10 scale of anger, they are no longer rational.  Any attempt to resolve the conflict at this point will not succeed.  Timeout is a tool to temporarily separate and cool off and then come back together to try to resolve the conflict
• Business Meetings– Instead of venting frustration immediately when something bothers you, save it up for a business meeting when you are both in a calm place and can discuss it in a less emotional way
• Rules for fair fighting– agree on what the rules are for productive conflict resolution including things such as
  • no name calling
  • no threats of leaving the relationship
  • not bringing up things that happened more than a few days ago
  • don’t argue in a car
  • don’t argue early in the morning or late at night

How do you make your relationship a priority?

• Commit to spending a minimum amount of quality interactive time with each other on a daily/weekly basis
• Commit to appreciating and affirming your partner on a daily basis
• Give up being right (would you rather be right or would you rather be peaceful?)