Four ways to improve your coupleship

In John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work  he talks about four behaviors that can destroy a coupleship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.  I would like to invert these ideas and suggest four behaviors that can build up your coupleship.

Praise more and Criticize Less – Let your partner know the things you appreciate about them on a regular (e.g. daily) basis.  This will help build the coupleship bond between you.  Yes there are things that they will do that bother you.  However you don’t need to let them know about your irritation the moment you notice it.  In fact in your moment of irritation is usually the worst time to tell them about your feelings because it will come across with angry energy and will be attacking.  Save up your concerns for a time when you can ask for the changes you would like in a constructive non-blaming fashion.  For example you could say “I have noticed that the dishes have been piling up in the sink and I would like if you could commit to doing them on a daily basis).  If you have been letting your partner know on a daily basis that you appreciate them, it will be easier for them to hear about things you would like changed.

Listen to your partners requests without defensiveness – If your partner asks you to change something in a constructive / non-blaming manner (see above), listen to what they have to say without interrupting them or getting defensive even if you don’t agreed with what they are saying.  See if you can find a way to do what they are asking for without making it an attack on you.  Building on the above example you could say “I agree that the dishes are piling up and I would be willing to alternate days with you doing the dishes”.

Respect your partner – Often when people are angry or resentful they will express that anger in passive aggressive ways (such as sarcasm) or in more obvious ways such as name calling.  If you want your partner to be your friend, treat them with respect even when they are doing things that bother you.  Assume that they are not deliberately trying to hurt you (unless you have proof to the contrary) and ask for what you want in a constructive non-blaming way.  Find a win-win situation whenever possible instead of one having to win and the other having to lose.

Talk about issues, don’t bury them – Sometimes when people are not getting along they just ignore the things that are bothering them until the issues build up into an explosion.  Or worse, they just don’t talk at all and the relationship and the friendship starts to wither and die.  It is better to talk about painful topics and come to a resolution, even when it is hard, then to ignore them.  If you can’t resolve them on you own, you can involve a third party such as a counselor.